Dear Dr. Chesters,
Three words: Let us sleep. Can you conceive of the tantalizing option to nap during your English lectures after pulling an all-nighter? Imagine the extra phenomenal dreams we have all missed out on finishing yet another paper for your class! Cultural and civic legend Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. would agree. In fact, he’s probably looking down on us as we speak, saying “PLEASE LET THESE STUDENTS DREAM!!!”
If we are not allowed to nap during class, you should at least allow us to bring a small bottle of champagne to dull the mental pain of listening to yet another grammar lesson after a sleepless night finishing a final draft. How important can fragments be, really?
Let’s not spare the facts. These assignments are downright dangerous. Operating a vehicle after a sleepless night has been compared to driving while intoxicated. The stats speak for themselves. Annually, it is estimated that 328,000 car accidents are attributed to drowsy driving. Mostly from students still reeling from formatting their MLA Works Cited page.
Do you really want your students to die?
I shudder to say this, but as a result of drowsy driving, unpaid student debt that will pile up may potentially force Morton College to file for bankruptcy, or worse, shut down entirely!
Listen, we as your students are a group of intelligent and driven people who occasionally find ourselves studying late into the night before the midterm or the final or the FIVE essays you assigned us this semester—an approach that can, admittedly, be counterproductive. But this late-night cramming often serves as a strategy to manage the anxiety and stress of achieving high marks. We know we should come to class, but if we are unable to rest due to homework (or all of that TikTok time), you are potentially endangering us. And how does that make you feel? Not bad enough to remove that ten-page researched argument from the syllabus.
Even the slightest five-to-ten-minute nap would ensure the survival rate of your students, but also Morton College as an institution.
Now, you may be wondering, annoyingly, how will we learn if we are sleeping during your lectures?
The solution is straightforward: We record your neverending lectures and listen to them while commuting home. This is not a matter of conjecture. It’s fact, Dr. C. Students will be able to effectively learn when well-rested, as opposed to being forced upon threat of death to stay awake in your class. As it stands we just stare at the soft light of the projector and tune out every word.
There are additional benefits to letting students snooze during class, like reduced stress, enhanced alertness, lower blood pressure, and boosted immunity. Our stronger immune systems means you’ll get to see our dozing faces in class more often. You might even earn a five on Rate My Professor! More students for you means more moola in your pocket. Cha-ching.
In closing, I cannot emphasize enough the benefits of allowing students to nap during your constant class lectures. It is essential for student safety and it allows our campus to retain a high enrollment. Most importantly, it enables us to study all night.
Dr. Chesters, your career counts on it. It is important for your students’ well-being, and our physical and mental health. So I urge you to schedule a meeting with the Morton College Board of Trustees or President Keith McLaughlin (really whoever can get this excellent proposition set in motion) to institute a new class rule that will allow us to drool and, what the heck, maybe even dream.