I remember the day I realized I no longer had faith. I was 10 years old sitting with tears in my eyes in between my mom and dad at church. My wrist still hurt from my dad dragging me out the house and into the car. This incident, on top of more rather personal and unpleasant memories with church, caused me to hate religion.
For a long time, I was bitter anytime someone brought up their faith. I’d disregard anything they had to say, essentially judging anyone who was a believer. I hated that about myself. When I entered high-school I tried going back to Catholicism. I independently returned to mass and even found youth groups to be with other kids like me. I had tried visiting a Christian church and attended multiple bible group sessions, but despite many rigorous attempts of “finding my way back to God,” I still felt empty and resentful.
Through these experiments with faith, I met so many people with different backgrounds and stories. Amongst the stories I heard, I found a pattern: a common feeling of tranquility, gratitude, and comfort. For some, “finding God” changed the direction of their lives. And I cannot deny these people of their experiences. I can sit here and argue about the existence of God and how “God” did not literally save these people, but I cannot deny the role faith and religion had on these lives.
As for an update on my journey with my faith, I still don’t really believe in how Catholicism depicts God. I’ve found myself aligning more with spirituality. Yes, there is research and studies on both sides, but I believe that nobody will ever truly know the identity of our creator, if there is one. All we have is experiences of our very short lives. Some find good and beautiful experiences with religion. Others find nothing but disappointment.
It’s unfortunate that I had to go through what I did at a young age. For long time I hated and blamed religion for allowing misfortune to happen to my family and myself. I’m happy now that I no longer resent religion. People have countless stories and experiences, and now I understand that just because I reject religion from my life, it does not absolve the good it brings to this world.